Why Do People Want What They Can’t Have? 10 Reasons

People all the time want things that they can’t have. Whether that’s the newest iPhone, the latest automobile, or perhaps a particular person.

The want to own things that really feel out of our attain is common. People from all walks of life want what they can‘t have.

The reasons could also be totally different, however maybe in the end they consider the thing of their want will give them a way of belongingness, happiness, and satisfaction.

In actuality, nonetheless, it often isn’t the case.

Here are 10 common reasons people want what they can’t have, and how one can overcome it.

1) The shortage impact

Let’s start with a little bit of ‘want what you can’t have psychology’.

The scarcity effect is a psychological phenomenon that claims while you see one thing that’s uncommon, fascinating, or costly, your unconscious thoughts makes you consider having it greater than in case you noticed one thing that was ample.

This occurs as a result of we are likely to affiliate value with rarity. So once we see one thing that’s scarce, it subconsciously makes us take into consideration wanting it extra.

Think about it this manner: If I instructed you there have been 100 apples in my fridge proper now, would you eat one? Probably not. But if I instructed you there was just one apple left… nicely then possibly you’d be tempted.

So why does this occur? Well, it has to do with the truth that we’re hardwired to outlive. That signifies that as quickly as we discover a scarcity of something, we’re programmed to consider it extra.

This intuition can diminish our decision-making and management, main us to crave one thing (or somebody) we can’t have.

2) It provides you a dopamine hit

It’s a story as previous as time.

Unrequited love, chasing the woman you can’t have, wanting the participant who provides you little or no consideration — it’s the reason for so lots of our romantic woes.

But nonetheless, we proceed to fall into the behaviour.

What is happening chemically behind the scenes in your brain could possibly be responsible.

When we like somebody, our brain will launch the hormone dopamine (aka “the happy hormone”) if we get any consideration from the thing of our want — i.e. once we obtain a textual content message or they ask to see us.

We can get hooked on this chemical reward that offers us a sense of well-being. And so we begin chasing the excessive, nearly like a drug dependency.

The catch is that if we get intermittent consideration from somebody, it’s all of the extra addictive than if we received it on a regular basis.

Think of it like this. When you eat chocolate on a regular basis, it might nonetheless style good, however after some time, it begins to lose that preliminary kick you get from it.

But don’t eat chocolate for six months, and that first chunk is next-level good.

In an analogous approach, the deprivation of the eye you want from somebody, solely to get an occasional little bit of validation, feels in a bizarre strategy to the brain further good — as a result of it’s rarer.

We want one other hit of dopamine so badly just because it isn’t out there on a regular basis. And so we put up with relationship deadens like breadcrumbing.

3) Your ego could be a little bit of a spoiled brat

None of us like a bruised ego.

Feeling rejected, denied, or questioning whether or not we’re “good enough” to get or have one thing in life tends to depart us feeling fragile.

It can play with our vanity and wound our fragile ego.

We want it. And not getting it solely irritates our ego extra. Sometimes the ego could be a little bit like a toddler having a tantrum when it seems like its calls for will not be being met.

I noticed a humorous meme that highlighted this:

“Me sleeping like a baby knowing that the boy I like doesn’t like me back, but he still gave me his attention so I won.”

Who of us hasn’t been responsible of getting into right into a silent competitors like this earlier than.

Our thoughts thinks that getting the thing of our want makes us the winner. We want “the prize” simply to really feel like we now have succeeded.

If you’ve ever questioned ‘why do I want something until I have it?’ then that is the proper instance of why. It’s all about profitable. Once you’ve “won”, the prize is not interesting.

4) Heightened consideration

In a quite simple approach, we regularly want what we are able to’t have as a result of we are likely to put extra of our give attention to it.

Anyone who has ever been on a weight loss program will immediately perceive.

Tell your self you can’t have that sweet bar and it’s all you consider. When we really feel restricted in a roundabout way, we carry increasingly more of our consideration to the absence of one thing.

It’s the identical for love. When you are feeling safe in a romantic attachment, you in all probability give it much less thought. You simply take pleasure in it.

But when it doesn’t appear to be going nicely your ideas are plagued with heightened consideration.

If we’re not cautious, this sense of heightened give attention to not having what we want can slide into obsession.

Compulsive ideas inform our thoughts that this factor we can’t have could be very vital, which makes you want it all of the extra.

5) We assume it’s going to make us joyful (however often it doesn’t)

The overwhelming majority of us spend our total lives trying to exterior things to attempt to make us joyful.

Marketing and capitalism feed into this, always creating the following “must-have” and inspiring you to attempt for it. The financial system we reside in depends on it.

If you weren’t raised to consider {that a} new couch, a pair of the newest trainers, or that kitchen gadget that chops carrots 4 other ways would make your life higher — you wouldn’t spend your money on it.

This is a part of our social conditioning.

We are all clogs in a bigger working system. And for it to work, we’re programmed to want things that should stay out of attain.

We are taught to assume that attaining things we want will make us really feel higher. Whether it’s having a specific amount of money within the financial institution, attaining a specific aim, discovering our one real love, or shopping for a Ferrari.

We assume reaching the unreachable will give us one thing that it could possibly’t. We assume once we lastly “get there” we’ll really feel one thing that in actuality we don’t.

Sure, there could also be a short-term excessive. A fast pat on the again and a quick feeling of satisfaction, but it surely shortly fades, and so you progress on to the following factor you want.

It’s the everlasting search to scratch an itch which is rarely fairly happy. We’re all the time chasing the pot of gold on the finish of the rainbow.

6) Comparison

You know what they say “comparison is the death of joy”, and for good cause.

Comparing ourselves to others by no means ends nicely. Jealousy creeps in and we expect we have to sustain with others to be able to really feel good, worthy, or legitimate.

This results in emotions of inadequacy and low vanity.

When we examine ourselves to others, we regularly find yourself chasing things as a result of we expect we should always have them — regardless if it’s even what we want.

Do we really want the newest smartphone or do we simply really feel left behind with out it?

Comparison breeds dissatisfaction. It creates a cycle of wanting greater than we really want and even in all probability actually want.

7) Psychological reactance

Psychological reactance is kind of a elaborate phrase for stubbornness.

We don’t like to listen to that we are able to’t have one thing. We all want to really feel the phantasm of management in our lives. Hearing or feeling ‘no’ means we’re on the mercy of somebody or one thing else in life.

We don’t want the ability to lie outdoors of us, so we push towards what “is” and attempt to change the scenario.

Think of psychological reactance because the insurgent in us, preventing towards the things we expect are taking away our freedom.

The extra we expect one thing is unavailable, the extra we dig our heels in and really feel motivated to want it.

8) Projection

Our minds are endlessly taking part in out tales in our heads. The overwhelming majority of them are based mostly on fantasy slightly than actuality.

Once we now have created this narrative that X, Y, or Z is strictly what we want, it may be tough to let go.

We want to reside out the projection.

This explains why you end up devastated that the particular person you had one date with didn’t name you again.

In practicality, you haven’t lost something. But in your thoughts, you lose a projected future you had imagined with this particular person.

This utopian picture might be very tough to surrender on and so you find yourself chasing what you can’t have.

9) We really feel threatened

If we expect we are able to have one thing, solely to comprehend we are able to’t, it triggers a primal intuition in us that makes our very security really feel threatened.

A psychological situation often called the ‘endowment effect’ can imply that we place undue value on one thing we now have a way of possession over. Because of this, we really feel a heightened aversion to dropping it.

Now put that inside the context of the ex that you just want again so desperately.

Perhaps you want your ex again a lot it hurts as a result of, in a roundabout way, you see them as belonging to you.

Feeling this possession makes you unwilling to present them up. You value them extra, merely since you see them as already yours.

10) We just like the chase

Sometimes we want what we are able to’t have, merely for the problem it presents.

If it’s more durable to get, the brain assumes it has a larger value (whether or not it does or not.)

Why is it that we want those that don’t see us, as an alternative of those that do? Rather frustratingly the reason being precisely as a result of they don’t see us. The unavailability is what provides it value and likewise creates the joy and further validation achieve it.

This has even develop into a common relationship cliche — that some people solely benefit from the thrill of the chase. When a person needs a lady he can’t have he might shortly change his thoughts as soon as he will get her.

How to cease wanting what you possibly can’t have

Learn to like what’s good for you

We speak rather a lot about letting our hearts information us. But what we often imply is let our emotions information us.

As fantastic as feelings are as guides and signposts, the reality is that they aren’t dependable. They are extremely reactive and liable to altering shortly.

I’m a hopeless romantic, so I’m definitely not recommending you attempt to develop into robotic and unfeeling. But for the sake of your general nicely being, choices do must contain the pinnacle in addition to the center.

As with all the things, all of it begins with consciousness.

Now you perceive the common reasons why people want what they can’t have, you possibly can ask your self what are your motives while you want one thing you possibly can’t have.

We want to have the ability to actively question the feelings that drive us.

For instance, let’s say you’re relationship somebody who immediately pulls away, acts distant, or behaves disrespectfully in direction of you.

It’s straightforward to finish up justifying to ourselves why we let somebody act like this and stay in our lives. We might discover ourselves saying one thing alongside the strains of:

“I can’t help it, I’m crazy about him” or “I know she doesn’t treat me right, but I love her”.

Whilst it might be true that you just can’t assist the way in which you are feeling, you do nonetheless have energy over the way in which you resolve to behave.

And typically we have to act in a approach that’s higher for us in the long term. In this manner, we are able to slowly study to like what is nice for us.

The most sensible strategy to do that is by way of boundaries. These are the principles that we create to assist defend us in life.

Let me provide you with a real-life instance from my very own relationship historical past.

I used to be meant to go on a date with a man I had been seeing for just a few weeks. He received in contact earlier within the day and mentioned he would contact me in just a few hours to satisfy up, however then…

…I didn’t hear from him for two days. When he lastly dropped into my inbox, he was filled with excuses, however not superb ones.

I’ll be fully trustworthy, my coronary heart (which had already gotten hooked up) wished to just accept his excuses.

Him changing into immediately unavailable made me want him all of the extra, despite the fact that I knew it shouldn’t. My head needed to step in. I knew deep down this was somebody I couldn’t pursue. Doing so would solely set me up for extra heartache later down the road.

Desire can really feel overwhelming, there’s no denying it.

And the truth is that you just received’t all the time be capable to cease your self from wanting things you can’t have. But we do have a selection over whether or not we chase after these things or not.

Try to see by way of social conditioning

We’re bombarded with messages each single day that subtly counsel to us that we’re not adequate.

Glossy and envy-inducing social media, or advert campaigns with lovely fashions adoring the newest fashions. We’re taught from a younger age to attempt for extra, obtain higher grades, and get higher jobs.

Whilst there’s nothing unsuitable with having objectives and ambitions, this social conditioning can have us chasing different people’s model of happiness, slightly than our personal.

But what in case you might change this, and consequently change your life? What in case you not felt the necessity to go after things, which as quickly as you bought, you don’t even want anymore.

You see, a lot of what we consider to be actuality is only a building. We can really reshape that to create fulfilling lives which are according to what issues most to us.

The fact is:

Once we take away the social conditioning and unrealistic expectations our household, schooling system, even faith has put onto us, the boundaries to what we are able to obtain is infinite.

I realised this (and way more) from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandé. In this wonderful free video, Rudá explains how one can raise the psychological chains and get again to the core of your being.

A phrase of warning, Rudá isn’t your typical shaman.

He’s not going to disclose fairly phrases of knowledge that supply false consolation.

Instead, he’s going to drive you to take a look at your self in a approach you may have by no means earlier than. It’s a strong method, however one which works.

So in case you’re able to take this primary step and align your goals together with your actuality, there’s no higher place to begin than with Rudá’s distinctive technique.

3 sensible instruments to search out each day contentment in what you have already got (as an alternative of chasing things you can’t have)

1) Gratitude follow

Science has proven the huge benefits of gratitude. Actively taking a look at what we already in life have helps us to really feel extra content material, and fewer compelled to go chasing idiot’s gold.

This easy train will allow you to to give attention to all of the constructive elements of your life proper now. Every morning, make a listing of the things (each large and small) that you’re grateful for.

2) Limit social media time

Social media is a tremendous software, however it could possibly simply develop into its personal dependency.

If you spend an excessive amount of time scrolling by way of Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and so forth., it could possibly simply set off comparisonitis. So restrict your each day display screen time.

3) Journaling

Journaling is fantastic for self-reflection. It will help you to search out the basis explanation for your needs, lurking behind the factor itself.

You may also use it to speak some sense into your self when you end up chasing after one thing you possibly can’t have. It’s the proper approach on your head and your coronary heart to “talk it out”.

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