15 No Bullsh*t Tips On How To Handle A Friend Who Uses You
You’ve bought a pal who all the time appears to make the most of you. What do you have to do?
It’s essential to keep in mind that friendships aren’t all the time meant to final endlessly. Some relationships are higher left behind. But earlier than it will get to that stage, there are many steps you possibly can take to face your floor and carve out a greater friendship.
After all, friendships ought to all the time really feel mutually helpful and supportive. So right here’s how you can deal with a friend who makes use of you…
How do you inform if a friend simply makes use of you?
You would possibly discover some purple flags in a selected friendship. Some might be extra delicate indicators a pal is using you, while in different conditions, it might really feel apparent.
Maybe they’re continuously asking for favours or anticipating you to pay their manner. Or perhaps they’re continuously making an attempt to get one thing from you.
If you assume that is taking place with a pal, listed below are some indicators you might be getting used:
- They ask you to assist them out on a regular basis. They don’t even have to clarify why they want your assist; they only anticipate it.
- Your friendship revolves round them. They solely actually speak about themselves and what’s taking place in their very own lives. It appears like they present little curiosity in what’s going on in your life.
- There is an expectation so that you can all the time pay everytime you exit collectively.
- You’re all the time getting them out of bother or coming to their rescue. Maybe they run out of fuel and name you to choose them up or maybe they forgot their pockets at dwelling and also you supply to lend them money.
- There is an absence of appreciation. They may not ask for forgiveness after they allow you to down or upset you. Perhaps they’ve an expectation that you’ll do things for them.
- Other individuals let you know that they don’t deal with you proper.
- You really feel resentful about their habits towards you.
- They solely name you, get in contact or wish to hang around with you when it fits them, and by no means when it fits you.
- They usually allow you to down, break guarantees, and don’t present up for you.
How to deal with a pal who makes use of you
1) Identify what’s bothering you
To begin with it may be useful to establish precisely what behaviours and actions your pal shows which can be making you are feeling used.
This not solely makes things clearer in your thoughts, however can are available in helpful when you resolve to have a coronary heart to coronary heart along with your pal about how you are feeling.
Be sincere with your self. If you’re feeling damage by your pal’s habits, then acknowledge that. Don’t cover these emotions from your self. Before you make any choices about how you can cope with the state of affairs, it additionally helps to be crystal clear about what you need.
Do you wish to finish the connection? Do you wish to keep mates? Do you wish to attempt to work things out? What does a contented decision appear like to you?
2) Become extra comfy with saying no
It’s a quite simple phrase, however one which doesn’t all the time really feel fairly really easy to say.
In reality, lots of us wrestle with saying no to individuals. And when somebody is especially pushy, that may make it all of the more difficult.
We don’t wish to really feel as if we’re disappointing others. We usually fear an excessive amount of about what they could consider us.
Will they see us as egocentric by declining to do one thing? Will they reject us if we don’t agree with them?
But removed from being something unfavourable, saying no can really be an amazing factor. It reveals respect for your self, and it means that you can stand agency on what you imagine is finest for you. It additionally lets different individuals know the place you draw the road.
So take a while to observe saying no. Start small if that is one thing you realise you wrestle with. If you might be instinctively a “yes” individual, who finds your self agreeing to things with out giving it a lot thought, then start by saying sure extra slowly.
Rather than saying no, observe saying things like “I’ll need to think about that” or “I’d like some time to decide”. That manner you create space round your resolution.
If you do find yourself saying no, the individual you might be saying no will admire that you just not less than gave it consideration earlier than reaching any conclusions.
3) Firm up your boundaries
All healthy relationships have guidelines, even when they’re unstated.
You’ll want to determine some floor guidelines between you and your pal. These are the personal boundaries you set about what’s and what’s not acceptable.
Our boundaries are important in life. Without them we’d grow to be lost in chaos. But typically our boundaries aren’t clearly outlined. This can result in confusion and frustration.
When setting boundaries, it’s essential to keep in mind that they’re there in your personal good. Not everybody has to agree with them.
So how do you create boundaries?
Think about what you value most in life. What do you wish to keep away from? What type of relationship do you wish to keep?
Then write down your values. In doing this, you might be defining what’s and isn’t okay.
For instance: I would like my friendships to be based mostly on honesty. So I received’t misinform my mates and I received’t tolerate mates mendacity to me.
Once you’ve written down your values, you can begin enthusiastic about your pal. How may he/she be appearing in ways in which battle with these values?
4) Tell them how you are feeling
If we wish wholesome relationships with anybody, we have now to be ready to brazenly talk.
Whilst we might love chatting about all the great things, the difficult points inside our friendships are all the time going to really feel extra awkward to lift.
It’s completely pure to really feel uncomfortable or nervous about telling a pal after they have upset, aggravated you, or overstepped the road.
But if they’re an actual pal, they are going to wish to know so as to resolve your points.
Communicating successfully means taking accountability in your emotions. Rather than bottling all the pieces up inside, you need to attempt to specific why you’re feeling offended, unhappy or pissed off.
Just allow them to know why you’re feeling the way in which you might be.
What to say to somebody who makes use of you?
- Use “I” phrases to clarify how you’re feeling. By saying to somebody “I feel like”, it might cease them from getting defensive.
For instance, saying “I feel like I take more of an interest in you than you do in me” shouldn’t be an announcement of reality. It is just telling them how you are feeling.
On the opposite hand, proclaiming that “You don’t take an interest in me” sounds way more accusatory.
- Avoid extremes similar to “never” and “always”.
Similarly, once you recommend that one thing all the time or by no means occurs, it fails to acknowledge the optimistic facets of your friendship.
It suggests it is a fixed and by no means altering side of your relationship collectively.
- Once you clarify how you are feeling, and provides examples of why you are feeling this manner — ask them what they assume.
This reveals that you’re occupied with listening to their side, and open to discovering a manner ahead collectively.
5) Be much less out there
If you might have mates who solely contact you when it fits them it may be a good suggestion to be much less out there.
They could also be taking you without any consideration. Being much less out there doesn’t imply being unkind. It merely means placing the identical energy into the connection as they put in.
If the friendship is feeling one-sided, then you might resolve that it is advisable redress the steadiness a bit.
Sometimes the only and quickest manner to do this is to reinvest that energy you might have been giving to this specific pal and put it elsewhere.
You don’t have to be at their beck and name. You don’t must drop things and are available working at any time when they want or need you.
You would possibly resolve that it feels more healthy to make much less time for them or to assist them out much less with clarification.
6) If you want it, give your self some space from the friendship
Perhaps you’re feeling a bit confused about what to do subsequent, or whether or not you need this pal to even stay in your life.
It’s alright to take some space from the friendship while you work things out.
A little bit of time can assist you to gauge how you’re feeling and the way essential this friendship is.
You can inform your pal that you’re engaged on your self to clarify your absence when you aren’t prepared to speak about it.
Essentially, it’s alright to prioritise your self, and your wellbeing. If which means quickly placing a bit of space between you and this friend, so be it.
7) Quit individuals pleasing
People-pleasing is a behaviour that loads of us decide up from an early age.
Most of us really feel a want to be fashionable.
In reality, it’s partly organic. We have a genetic programming to really feel accepted by the group, as as soon as upon a time our mere survival would have depended upon it.
Being socially excluded may have been a dying sentence in caveman occasions. But the modern-day hangup from wanting social acceptance is that we begin to imagine that our happiness is dependent upon others’ approval.
That can result in lots of stress and anxiety as we put different individuals’s wants and wishes forward of our personal.
We additionally are likely to strive too laborious to please others, which solely makes issues worse. Believe it or not, people-pleasing solely results in weaker relationships, not stronger ones.
When we’re making an attempt to be appreciated, we frequently find yourself doing things that we wouldn’t usually do.
All relationships require give and take, however it is advisable acknowledge if you find yourself normally the one who offers and another person is the one who takes.
If so, then you definitely is likely to be falling into people-pleasing habits which stem from insecurities or low shallowness.
8) Improve your relationship with your self
When we’re coping with a pal who makes use of us, we will really feel powerless.
We assume that the decision lies with them. They should change their habits towards us to ensure that things to enhance.
Whilst there’s some fact in that, the truth is that you’ve simply as a lot affect (if no more) on resolving the issue as does your pal. If you’re coping with a pal who’s using you, have you ever thought of attending to the foundation of the difficulty?
You see, most of our relationship issues with others really stem from our personal sophisticated internal relationship with ourselves – how are you going to repair the exterior with out seeing to the inner first?
So, if you wish to enhance the relationships you might have with others and remedy each platonic and romantic conflicts, begin with your self.
9) Don’t take it personally
This article focuses on loads of sensible suggestions that can assist you cope with things once you’re being utilised by somebody.
But it doesn’t imply you need to take it personally. You accepting or tolerating getting used would possibly spotlight sure things you wish to work on for your self. But their habits and actions are on them in the end, not you.
Even when you discover the things they’re doing fairly surprising, the reality is that they could not even concentrate on it.
Your pal would possibly be self-absorbed. When individuals are missing in self-awareness they could not discover their preoccupation with themselves.
It really says extra about them than it does you.
10) Be alert to manipulation
There are all the time going to be individuals we encounter in life who attempt to manipulate or make the most of us.
The neatest thing you are able to do is to attempt to keep aware and conscious of events when somebody could also be manipulating you.
As properly because the individuals who might attempt to use you for sensible favours or money, there can even be mates who use you emotionally.
They might use instruments like guilt journeys or emotional blackmail to attempt to get what they need. They might attempt to make you are feeling responsible about one thing you’ve finished or haven’t finished.
But it’s essential to acknowledge these ways for what they’re — an try and strain and manipulate you into getting their very own manner.
11) Refuse to play the sufferer
Remember, you possibly can’t management how others behave however you do have the ability to decide on the way you reply to conditions.
So as an alternative of feeling helpless, know that it’s right down to you to take cost of your life.
By refusing to permit anybody to deal with you badly, you’ll have the ability to cease taking part in the position of the sufferer. And you’ll be much less prone to grow to be entangled in unhealthy friendships.
Instead of letting another person dictate how you reside your life, you can begin dwelling your life in accordance with your values and rules.
Deciding to take self-responsibility isn’t about assigning or accepting blame. It’s extra about being the hero of your personal life.
That manner you possibly can say to your self:
“I don’t like this situation, what can I do about it?” quite than feeling caught, powerless, helpless, and on the mercy of what others do.
12) Be as affected person and sort as doable
Standing up for your self doesn’t have to be finished in a bullish or aggressive manner. In reality, you are able to do it lovingly.
Being utilised by a pal might be going to make you are feeling offended at occasions. You’ll doubtless expertise frustration and resentment. It’s essential to keep in mind that these emotions aren’t dangerous. They’re a pure response to the state of affairs.
But the important thing factor to bear in mind although is that you just don’t need to let these feelings management you.
You can select to strategy things with understanding, kindness and endurance.
13) Remember that you just should be handled with respect
No one deserves to be taken benefit of.
It’s essential to recollect that you’re worthy of respect and love. And if somebody treats you disrespectfully, then it’s as much as you to resolve whether or not you wish to proceed being round her or him.
The resolution to stroll away from a friendship ought to by no means be taken calmly, however don’t let somebody stroll throughout you. You deserve higher than that.
If they:
- Always flake on you
- Try to bully, management or manipulate you
- The steadiness between the way you each contribute to the friendship is manner off
…then it is likely to be time to contemplate whether or not this individual is a optimistic affect in your life.
Sometimes, one of the best resolution is to maneuver on. If you’re continuously having to place up with somebody who makes your life depressing, it is likely to be time to chop ties.
After all, you should stay your life with out the fixed stress and anxiety of coping with somebody who hurts you.
14) Try to maintain your cool
Being utilised by somebody is a aggravating state of affairs to be in.
But it’s going to assist when you can hold your cool and assume clearly. I do know this may be simpler mentioned than finished. But there’s something you are able to do to really feel higher.
And it’s so simple as taking a breath.
When I used to be struggling essentially the most in life, I used to be launched to an unbelievable free breathwork video created by the shaman, Rudá Iandê.
With a deal with dissolving stress and boosting internal peace, it was laborious to withstand giving it a go.
What made this breathwork video so efficient?
Well, it comes right down to the person behind all of it. Rudá created these distinctive flows using a mix of historical shamanic techniques and therapeutic breathwork sequences.
He’s spent years creating them to assist individuals discover their internal peace.
So, if the state of affairs along with your pal is making you are feeling pissed off, unhappy, or anxious in any manner, I’d suggest trying out Rudá’s free breathwork video.
He’ll provide the instruments to start out injecting peace and confidence again into your life, from the very first breathwork train.
15) Try to seek out different individuals who will deal with you properly
Luckily, there are many good individuals on the market who received’t use you or abuse you.
Find these individuals and encompass your self with optimistic energy. You’ll be shocked by how a lot happier you’ll be when you begin in search of new mates who share your values.
Personally, I’ve began treating friendships nearly in the identical manner I deal with dates.
Rather than feeling an obligation to be mates with somebody, I’m way more selective. I take my time to get to know them and genuinely consider whether or not we’re a superb match for each other and whether or not we carry value to one another’s lives.
I liken it to courting as a result of I feel we are sometimes extra selective with regards to individuals we date. So why not take the identical strategy to friendships?
To conclude: How to cope with individuals who use you
If somebody is simply using you for their very own profit, they’re not likely being a pal in any respect.
They could also be making an attempt to control or management you. Or they could simply be typically out for themselves.
If you end up on this state of affairs, don’t allow them to get away with it. Tell them what you concentrate on the way in which they’ve been treating you. If you might have a superb relationship with the individual, then it is advisable discuss to them about their habits if you wish to save the friendship.
Don’t maintain again in your emotions, however attempt to specific your self in a transparent and affordable manner.
You would possibly resolve to maintain your distance from them till things enhance.
Ultimately in the event that they received’t hearken to what it’s a must to say, then you’ll in all probability want to chop ties with them for the sake of your personal wellbeing.
