Photo: Taylor Swift/YouTube
As Taylor Swift continues the sluggish however regular launch of her re-recordings with Red (Taylor’s Version), we’re capable of collectively revisit a few of her early work via the lens of her discography as a complete. In doing so, there are particular recurring themes or tropes that turn into obvious, like forbidden romances, colours representing feelings, and the worst driving conceivable. Anyone who’s both a Swiftie or a crossing guard is certain to have observed simply how usually Taylor sings about these unlawful site visitors maneuvers. And after 9 albums of this, it’s reached a degree the place I lastly start to know why the homosexual antagonist in “Picture to Burn” didn’t let her drive his “stupid old pickup truck.”
That being mentioned, when actually analyzing these violations with a important eye, it turns into obvious that the majority of them have been really dedicated by the boys driving Taylor round. Amongst this “long list of ex-lovers,” there are some reckless drivers, some who make minor errors, and a few whose licenses ought to be revoked. The development has slowed down as of late, suggesting that Joe Alwyn is an excellent, accountable driver, whose time behind the wheel isn’t attention-grabbing sufficient to sing about — thank God.
Here, we rank each site visitors violation in Taylor Swift’s discography, contemplating components like severity of the infraction, hazard degree, and significance to T. Swiftian canon. But very similar to the way in which site visitors cops do their jobs, the reasoning is usually arbitrary and made up.
“He’s got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel,
The other on my heart”
The very first thing they educate you in driver’s ed is to maintain your palms at ten and two, and but right here Taylor is driving round city with a boy who solely has one hand on the wheel. Their “song” goes to be the sound of sirens if he doesn’t get his act collectively.
“Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street,
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly”
Whether it’s a brand new Maserati, or a pre-owned Toyota RAV4, it’s by no means a good suggestion to take off full velocity down a dead-end avenue. Particularly if it’s not even a cul-de-sac and also you’ll need to do a three-point flip to get out. Now, to be honest, there’s some room for debate on simply how briskly she’s going because it depends upon wind velocity. The common wind velocity in Taylor’s house state of Pennsylvania is 17.1 mph, the best wind velocity ever recorded on Earth is 253 mph, and the velocity of “The Wind” by Cat Stevens is 115 BPM. So do with that what you’ll.
“I’m walking fast through the traffic lights”
Traffic lights, per their identify, are famously designed for automobiles — not pedestrians. So Taylor has completely no business galavanting via site visitors on foot like an everyday Kelly Killoren Bensimon.
“Feeling so Gatsby for that whole year”
Much like Taylor Swift’s discography, The Great Gatsby can also be about horrible driving, which I assume is why she pertains to it. I do know this as a result of I not solely learn The Great Gatsby in highschool, however I additionally noticed the Fergie-scored movie adaptation. A cornerstone of each variations is vehicular manslaughter.
“Kissin’ in my car again,
Stopped at a streetlight”
Folklore’s “betty,” “august,” and “cardigan” are a trilogy of songs about loitering advised from three totally different views. The bulk of this love triangle appears to boldly happen in parked automobiles. In “august” for instance, Taylor sings, “Meet me behind the mall,” and I extremely doubt that they have been grabbing an Auntie Anne’s and hitting up a Macy’s One Day Sale. In “betty” and “cardigan,” they don’t even wait till they’re hid behind the security of a closed down DSW, as an alternative choosing a spot below a streetlight of all locations.
“But then you called, showed your hand,
I turned around before I hit the tunnel”
Given that this music is a few avenue in certainly one of Taylor’s favourite lyrical neighborhoods, the West Village, it’s honest to imagine that the tunnel in question is the Holland Tunnel. Those surrounding roads are a nightmare, so I’m almost sure that this must be an unlawful U-turn — which I feel is a good leap to make given her historical past of vehicular crime. That being mentioned, this may simply be essentially the most comprehensible violation given the selection was between Joe Alwyn and Jersey City.
“I wanna stay right here in this passenger seat,
You put your eyes on me”
Taylor will get loads of flack for writing songs about boys she dates, however doesn’t get almost sufficient warmth for distracting them whereas they’re making an attempt to drive. This is simply one of many many occasions that she prides herself on being extra attention-grabbing for a driver to have a look at than the street.
“Midnight, you come and pick me up, no headlights,
Long drive, could end in burning flames or paradise”
Thematically, 1989 is an album about Harry Styles being unhealthy at driving. The first of many examples of that is right here in his namesake music, the place he picks Taylor up with no headlights on. Clearly an try and sneak round undetected, it’s really only a surefire option to hit a deer — ESPECIALLY at midnight of all occasions. At least Taylor appears to know from the bounce the risks of getting in a automobile with Harry behind the wheel, understanding that the lengthy drive may probably finish in burning flames.
“So cut the headlights, summer’s a knife”
Well it seems to be like somebody didn’t study her lesson about driving at the hours of darkness. Here it appears like she’s making an attempt to deprave former frozen yoghurt store worker Joe Alwyn, instructing him to show off their headlights to maintain a low profile. Still, it’s nothing in comparison with the far worse crime of this music, which is that it didn’t get a music video.
“Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt,
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve”
Roads have loads of little bumps, and in case you’re swerving at each single one you’re a hazard to society and your driving is certain to provide poor Colbie Caillat whiplash.
“You were driving the getaway car,
We were flying but we’d never get far.”
I imply, what’s there to say about this? Getaway automobiles very not often are recognized for his or her protected, law-abiding driving. The music even references different crimes, like placing the money within the bag and stealing the keys (grand theft auto?), mentions of famed criminals Bonnie and Clyde (who tried to steal Moonlight’s Oscar), and worst of all saying “sorry” with a Canadian accent so it rhymes with “story.”
“So it goes,
He can’t keep his wild eyes on the road”
Speaking of untamed eyes, any person inform Olivia Wilde to by no means get within the automobile with Harry — we nonetheless want her Kerri Strug biopic.
“Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?
Twenty stitches in a hospital room”
As any historical past buff is aware of, in December of 2014 Taylor Swift and Harry Styles went on a ski journey to Park City, Utah, with Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It was on this fateful journey that the One Direction singer and future Cats star acquired right into a snowmobile accident, leading to Harry getting 20 stitches on his chin. Taylor later advised Rolling Stone that she noticed her life flash earlier than her eyes, which I can perceive as a result of if I have been in an accident I’d additionally see Taylor Swift’s life flash earlier than my eyes. The incident is shrouded in thriller, with Taylor urging the witnesses to not inform anybody about it, so we might by no means know what it was that induced Harry Styles to brake too quickly. Perhaps a stray Chelsea boot in want of a house.
“All I know is that you drove us off the road”
Why did this girl proceed to let Harry Styles drive her round? What sort of adrenaline-junkie dying want did she possess?
“You almost ran the red ’cause you were looking over at me”
Jake Gyllenhaal may as nicely have been utilizing the headscarf that Taylor left at Maggie Gyllenhaal’s home as a blindfold, as a result of this man was NOT trying on the street. When one drives down a bit city avenue, particularly with the dear cargo of America’s songstress within the automobile, it’s key to look at the place you’re going. Skidding to a halt since you didn’t understand that the sunshine had turned pink (the TITULAR coloration)? Unacceptable, Donnie Darko. The “crumpled-up piece of paper” that he made Taylor really feel like was most likely a site visitors summons. Along with the discharge of Red (Taylor’s Version), we’re additionally lastly getting the legendary ten-minute model of this music, and I actually shudder to consider what different site visitors crimes Jake Gyllenhaal will commit in these further 4 minutes and 33 seconds.