Do you think you’re a little too much of pushy in your relationship? Maybe your partner is telling you that they think it’s you or that they’re sure it’s you.
Making relationships work is tricky. It’s easy to be overly ambitious. Your spouse deserves a particular place. And pushing too hard can destroy what you have.
But how do you know when to talk less and visit more? And most importantly, how can we stop over-pushing in relationships?
If you want to do something about it, this guide offers ten practical tips for ending pushy behaviors.
Let’s take a look at 20 ways to deal with this pushy behavior:
1. Accept that there are two of you in this
Now: be honest, are you guilty of asking your partner to do what you want? Do you find yourself thinking that they should jump at the chance to join you for a yoga weekend or want to join you for a friend’s book launch?
Are you frustrated if they don’t match your excitement or don’t want to come?
In my own experience, I know this to be true.
It’s something I’m personally working on. As Thảo Anh Nguyễn writes for Love Connection, failing to recognize that a relationship is a two-way street is a recipe for disaster.
I use these examples because they are situations I have dealt with recently. I expected my partner to share my passion for yoga and accompany me to the book launch just because I wanted him to.
I felt he was pushing me by expressing disappointment that he didn’t like the ideas as much as I did. I did not hide this disappointment. It was a secret way of trying to get what I wanted out of the situation.
But the reality is, I’m more than capable of going to these events on my own, and I can always ask a friend.
What does this mean for you?
Yes, it’s essential to demonstrate a level of compromise and show our employees that we’re interested in hearing about things that mean something to them.
But that doesn’t mean we should expect the same level of enthusiasm. Make the situation work in your favor by using tactics like frustration. The best way to approach these situations is to clarify something meaningful and see if you can meet in the middle.
Explain what you need from your partner.
Put: you cooperate and don’t want to live completely separate lives. At the same time, you shouldn’t expect them to do everything you enjoy all the time.
2. Stop calling them all the time
Relationship experts will tell you that it’s healthy not to talk to your partner daily and that you shouldn’t feel obligated to speak to them daily.
First, it depends on whether you are in a new or long-term relationship. I’m in a relatively new relationship and have spent hours and hours on the phone with my new beau after dating.
There were stages where we called each other more than five times daily. To share anecdotes or say hello. Some of these phone calls lasted more than 4 hours.
We never ran out of things to discuss, which confirms our competitiveness it’s a strong case between us.
I’m wary of pushing too hard and expecting us to talk like this all the time. I haven’t expressed it, and he doesn’t feel that way about me.
I know how much I enjoy talking to him at length and not wanting him to fade away. You see, I have a conviction that he owes me a debrief call at the end of the day.
But that’s my opinion, going into overdrive, and I have no evidence to back it up. Does this sound like your situation?
I have found that it is best to communicate clearly with my partner. Why?
- It eliminates the guesswork
- You will avoid misunderstandings
- You can support each other better
3. Treat your partner as an equal
In another article, I explained that when you start pushing them, you treat your partner like a child.
Growing up, our parent’s role is to encourage us to overcome our mental challenges, find our paths in life, and do things we don’t want to do. It’s like eating brussels sprouts.
In my own experience, my mom helped me choose what subjects to study, and she helped me overcome any fears and pushed me along the way.
Now: if you want to play parent and encourage your spouse to take up new activities and take a different path, you need to ask yourself if this is controlling and why?
If you tell your partner what to do, you’re unnecessarily making them feel inferior. Think about it: if you tell them what to do, it’s all in your hands, and they have to follow your lead.
It is your duty.
But wait, let me tell you something…
If your partner asks you to be a sounding board and ask for advice, then that’s a whole different ball game.
For example, my coworker is in the process of transitioning to a new craft. So my advice was to start a spreadsheet to document the work involved to give ideas to the templates. Plus, he can track how productive he is, saying things like, “It’s tough to find a new job.”
I wanted to help him with my solution-oriented approach, but I didn’t want to overdo it. So I asked if he was asking me to help him solve problems or use him as a way out.
He thought Elix was a good idea and said he wanted to do it himself. I offered to help him kidnap her. That was a bit of a push. He said he had to do it himself.
I felt like I wanted to push a little and encourage her to go – but I realized that she had to do it on her terms, not with her mother telling her what to do and how to do it.
And now there’s more: giving advice and pushing your partner; if you’re making them in one direction or the other, it becomes an issue if you think it’s going to work out better for you.
For example, you might encourage them to take a particular job because they’ll earn more and treat you to more holidays, or maybe you want them to cut back on their hours so they can give you all their time.
The truth is that you should have no part in this decision.
Of course, we all want our employees to include us in their plans, but those decisions are theirs. It is up to them to measure what is important.
4. Respect when your partner says no
This considers seeing your partner as your equal and recognizing that the relationship is not one-sided. When your partner says “no” to something, don’t immediately take offense and push them to change their mind.
You will only be angry (with yourself)!
Who wants that?
As if that’s not enough, sure, if you manage to convince them to join you in something you desperately want to go to, they can come, but they can be treated to dragging their heels there.
Even if they have a good time, knowing they don’t want to be there in the first place will take a back seat. This weakens the mood. They have the right to say “no” to everything. Being pushy won’t get you very far.
Best job! Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what respect means so you can both agree that you’re on the same page.
Here’s why: this research shows that respect “matters deeply” in relationships.
But that’s only one side of the story: if your partner says yes to something and then gives you an allowance at the last minute… that’s another situation.
I’ve been there and got pissed off at my coworker forcing his mind at the last minute. I find this kind of behavior incredibly inflammatory, and it makes me sad because it seems disrespectful and disrespectful to the other person.
How do we overcome this? Return to open, transparent communication about what you expect and need from each other.
5. Don’t create a negative feedback loop with your partner
If you and your partner are at a point where you call each other nasty names and compliment each other, you are in a toxic relationship, and you need to take a hard look at whether this is right for both of you.
Towards the end of my last relationship, we lost respect for each other and found ourselves calling each other everything under the sun. Ultimately, it was tough for me to return from this relationship.
I am determined not to do this and tolerate it in my new relationship. You should avoid saying negative words about your spouse and others at all costs.
This negative feedback loop won’t get you very far. On the contrary, it will only help them to feel self-doubt and judgment.
Research shows that keeping things positive will do wonders for your relationship. Be mindful of what you say to them and how it might backfire.
And if they tell you that it’s as if you’ve negatively attacked their character, know that a sincere apology goes a long way.
The good news?
Relationships are an excellent opportunity for self-reflection and growth. This allows us to be more thoughtful about how we interact with others.
6. Focus on working on yourself
Be honest: Do you want to fix your partner?
The word ‘editing’ can be a bit of a trigger, but do you see your coworker as your project?
Several times, my partner has said that they don’t want to feel like I’m a project, and I agree, that’s not what I want out of a relationship. The way I work, I try to offer solutions when it’s up to him to decide which direction is best.
I don’t want to do different projects, but you have to admit that he was made to feel that way because I said things about wanting to ‘help’ him.
It turned out that my way out was to tell him that I was happy to make any suggestions but that he did not want my input and that I would return. There is another thing that I decided to focus this energy on working on myself.
I also have enough things to work in one place with navigation changes and for myself. Bring this focus back to yourself to make a radical change in your life.
7. Find joy outside of the relationship
Instead of focusing on your partner’s flaws, you should consider the importance of focusing on yourself. Looking beyond relationships for satisfaction and joy is also crucial. Thinking that your partner is the source of all your happiness is naive – and unhealthy!
Of course, your spouse will be a great source of joy and happiness in your life. But the worst thing is to see them as the only source.
Think about it: if you look to your partner as a provider of sincerity, love, and good times, that’s codependent behavior.
It may be true that they provide these aspects, but it is essential to recognize that these feelings exist within us outside of them. We may develop these feelings differently with others outside of the relationship.
Why not consider taking up a new hobby and expressing yourself in a new way? You can:
- Join a local choir or take an acting class just for fun
- Start learning a new topic that interests you
- Sign up to do a park run to get fit and meet friends
Simply put, there are many ways to find joy and fulfillment outside relationships.
Expecting your partner to be your only source of pleasure is pushing it.
Also, don’t forget that your partner will have fewer days too, and that’s okay too. Maturity is needed for such people to become spiritually mature and accepted by all of humanity — in the earring, in bad moods, and all humanity.
What’s important is that they communicate with you and let you know where they are – making it clear that it’s not for you and asking you to appreciate that they’re having a bad day because something happened.
8. Don’t put expectations on your partner
There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad, don’t you agree?
Expectations lead to disappointment. As if my boyfriend will fail because of the hopes I give him.
For example, I went away for a few days, and when my plane landed, I thought he would surprise me at the airport.
Maybe I’ve been watching too many rom-coms, but I was utterly blown away by this one.
Indeed, I had a brief moment. I thought he might have decided to come and greet me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t suffer from frustration.
I felt comfortable with this situation. She used to cook for me when she was home. I also learned that he had been struggling with his mental health for the past few days. So I was too far off the mark for him to greet me with the same energy level.
I had high energy and was full of fun stories about my trip. He struggled to speak, but he tried anyway.
My hopes for reality have caused real strife.
My boyfriend has a sneeze, not wanting to feel like he’s letting me down, and I know when he’s doing it. So you can imagine how that went down.
Reflecting on the situation, I know I was pushing him to be as engaged as I wanted, and I felt terrible that he wasn’t.
Next time, instead of going into a situation with a preconceived idea of how things will play out and creating dubious hopes, I plan to keep an open mind and be in tune with how he will act.
The best advice from my experience is to let go of the anticipation of how the future will unfold. Stay in the present, don’t let the mind run away, and create situations you can control.
9. Avoid blaming them for your bad mood
The easy way out is not to own up to our feelings. How often have you thought it was your spouse’s fault that you felt terrible?
Blaming someone else is not taking responsibility. I’m guilty of it, and I’m sure you are too. Blaming can apply to all areas of our lives, but it is especially evident in romantic relationships.
Barton Goldsmith PH, writing for Psychology Today. D emphasizes that your partner is not responsible for your bad mood. Negatively projecting and blaming them for your wombs will backfire.
Simply put, take responsibility for your feelings. Before confronting your partner, Goldsmith encourages some introspection to “catch yourself before you get home.”
Using your partner as the proverbial punching bag is the worst-case scenario and will only push them away.
This point goes back to layering expectations for our employees to be our source of joy. Later, projecting your bad mood onto your partner and claiming they are the reason you feel down in the dumps will only hurt your relationship. So avoid it at all costs.
Instead, take yourself out for a walk around the block, listen to a podcast, or call a friend to calm down.
10. Never compare them with other people
Your partner is unique. Each of them is distinguished by their dirty deeds. What a great fear!
You see: we can all pick apart the things we don’t like about our romantic partners, friends, and family members. So how far does that get us?
If you choose to be romantic with someone, think about your reasons for being with them in the first place.
What did you fall in love with, and what do you like the most? For example, when I think about the things I love about my spouse, they are:
- Full of intellectual stimulation
- Brimming with ideas that inspire me
- Weak and open in communication methods
- Passion to be the best version of yourself
Reflecting on this list of qualities blows my unhelpful thoughts of negativity and lack out of the water.
No one will be “perfect,” after all.
Why not help yourself gain perspective by thinking about the qualities you love in your spouse?
We must not forget that we are not perfect. I’m sure you and I have traits that rub off on our coworkers massively, and they can easily compare us to previous coworkers or how they perceive other people.
Now: the best thing to do?
Just let each other be. This is what I plan to do in my relationship as well.