Modern courting can really feel like a complete minefield.
He says he just wants to be friends, so why does he nonetheless preserve flirting with you?
His phrases say one factor but his actions appear to inform you one other.
If you need to know precisely what’s happening in his head and what you can do subsequent, this article will give you 15 useful tips for coping with flirty guys who say they just need to be friends.
What does a man imply when he says he just wants to be friends?
Once upon a time when a man stated he just wants to be friends, it just about meant that.
He was telling you that though he likes you, his emotions aren’t romantic for you and he doesn’t really feel sufficient attraction for issues to progress additional.
The drawback is, I’m unsure this is solely the case anymore. Potentially together with the rising recognition of courting apps, the trendy dating culture has changed.
There are a number of individuals on the market all looking for very various things, and courting life is more and more untraditional.
You will nonetheless meet loads of people who find themselves in search of unique relationships, but you can even discover those that choose non-monogamy, open relationships, friends with advantages, and one thing extra casual.
That’s why it may be complicated what precisely a man means when he tells you he wants to be “friends”.
Here are some frequent eventualities individuals encounter navigating this friendship gray space:
He immediately just wants to be friends:
The state of affairs: Things have been heating up between you two. You’ve had some dates or hookups, you’ve been texting lots and flirting. Then out of nowhere, he lets you know he just wants to be friends.
The brutal reality: He’s both had his enjoyable and now is prepared to transfer on, or he has merely determined that there’s not sufficient there between you two to progress any additional.
He stated he wants to be friends but then ignores me:
The state of affairs: Something was happening between you two, whether or not you had been courting, hanging out lots, or been bodily intimate collectively. One of you decides to finish issues, and you agree to just keep friends. But moderately than stick to that, he does a disappearing act.
The brutal reality: Although he stated he wants to be friends, in actuality, he didn’t really imply it. He stated it as a result of it is typically the well mannered factor individuals say when they’re breaking apart or are not courting/hooking up anymore. For him “friends” doubtless means ending issues on nice phrases moderately than behaving like precise friends.
When a man says he wants to be friends but kisses you
The state of affairs: You’re uncertain the place you stand actually. He doesn’t deal with you like a good friend, but that’s what he refers to you as. But then to make issues much more complicated to you, he kisses you.
The brutal reality: By suggesting that you are just friends earlier than issues get intimate, he is pre-warning you to have casual expectations from him. He doesn’t essentially imply friendship within the conventional sense. He might be comfortable being friends with advantages so long as you are.
He just wants to be friends after hooking up
The state of affairs: You share collectively an evening (or a number of) of ardour. Maybe you make out at a celebration or find yourself hooking up after hanging out lots collectively. But then he tells you that he just wants to be friends.
The brutal reality: For him, it was just a bodily factor. He has managed to detach any emotions from a purely sexual encounter. He might like you as a good friend, and he may discover you enticing, but he doesn’t need to progress any additional and switch it right into a relationship.
He leads me on and now wants to be friends
The state of affairs: You take to each other, he is attentive and reveals loads of curiosity. He might textual content you day by day, act flirty round you and pursue you. At some level, you discover a shift in his habits and he lets you know that he solely wants to be friends.
The brutal reality: Maybe he was curious about you romantically in some unspecified time in the future but he has modified his thoughts or just lost curiosity alongside the best way. He might have additionally been pursuing others in addition to you, and there is another person on the scene. He may have loved the eye and the sport, but had no intention of taking issues additional. Whatever the rationale, he is not invested sufficient.
Why does he flirt with me if he’s not ?
1) He is , just not sufficient
As handy as it could be, when it comes to romance issues aren’t often so black and white.
We might imagine somebody is both or not, but there are many occasions when you will discover that somebody does like you, but sadly not fairly sufficient.
The causes for this aren’t essentially to do with you both. It doesn’t imply there is one thing you lack which prevents their emotions from being stronger. Often it’s to do with the opposite particular person.
He might proceed to flirt with you, even after telling you that he just wants to be friends as a result of he is curious about you, he’s just unsure sufficient of his emotions to need to take it any additional.
That’s why you find yourself in this perplexing state of affairs the place he says he wants to be friends but his actions present otherwise.
2) He doesn’t desire a relationship
Bad timing is a irritating factor that we are going to all come up towards in some unspecified time in the future or one other in a romantic state of affairs.
All the elements appear to be in place, other than one annoyingly essential one — he doesn’t desire a relationship.
We might imagine that persistence or sheer will can overcome this hurdle, but somebody’s readiness to be in a relationship is important if it’s going to work long run.
If he doesn’t need to be in a relationship, notably if he thinks you do, then he might say he just wants to be friends but proceed to flirt with you anyway.
3) He’s bored
It sounds fairly merciless to assume that boredom would be anybody’s motive for enjoying with another person’s emotions, but sadly it occurs on a regular basis.
Have you ever had a man pop again into your DM’s months after you final spoke? You thought he had ghosted you, solely to reappear once more. That’s boredom in motion.
During a very dry spell in courting, many males will trawl by means of contacts that they’ll entertain themselves with by indulging in a little bit of “harmless” flirting.
The drawback is that it is typically brief-lived consideration that is withdrawn once more after they discover one thing else higher to do. And it’s not at all times so “harmless” to the unwilling sufferer they’re taking part in this sport with.
4) He likes the eye or he’s an insecure particular person
Most of us get pleasure from consideration. We discover it flattering and an ego enhance. Enjoying consideration is one factor, needing consideration is one step additional.
Generally talking, the decrease somebody’s self-esteem, the extra they really feel the necessity for the validation of others so as to be ok with themselves.
The picture that an insecure person would be shy and seem to lack confidence can be misguided. In actuality, individuals with an inferiority complicated can discover themselves continuously striving for superiority.
This is notably the case with narcissistic personalities, who’re comfortable to exploit others to fulfill their fixed want for admiration and a spotlight.
Because deep down he doesn’t have a very good picture of himself, he craves and searches for issues to enhance his self-esteem.
5) He’s egocentric
There are many floor excuses for why a man would flirt with you regardless that he doesn’t need extra.
But finally, it means that he is a bit of bit egocentric. He might not be a foul man or perhaps a participant, but he is placing his personal egocentric wants forward of yours.
It makes him really feel good to flirt and he is both missing in self-consciousness or just doesn’t care sufficient to take into consideration the unfair or deceptive penalties of his actions.
He is getting one thing out of his flirty habits and he isn’t trying a lot additional than fulfilling his personal wishes. It’s one of many indicators he is just utilizing you.
6) He’s a naturally flirty particular person
There are some individuals I do know who may flirt with a brush.
They use this flirtatious and charming vitality with virtually everybody they meet. It’s not that you are studying into issues when he isn’t flirting. He is. But he does it with everybody.
The drawback is that it is probably the most pure factor on the planet for him, and he can’t actually assist himself.
Some individuals use a flirty character as a approach to join and break the ice with new individuals. They see it as a enjoyable approach of interacting and never a severe sign that they’re curious about creating a relationship.
7) He’s in search of various things to you
As I discussed earlier, everybody is romantically in search of various things.
It can be notably tough when you have sexual chemistry with one other particular person, and you take to each other — but you need various things.
One of you might desire a relationship, the opposite is at a stage in life the place they’re solely curious about pursuing casual encounters.
If he is aware of that you need various things he might imagine it’s simpler to keep friends, and that’s why he has instructed you that is all he wants.
But that doesn’t imply that there isn’t attraction between you each which spills over into some flirty habits in direction of each other.
He friendzoned me but nonetheless flirts, what ought to I do?
1) Ask your self, are you studying an excessive amount of into his habits?
Perhaps you’ve been tossing this one round and round in your thoughts for days: “Is he flirting or just friends?”
I’m not suggesting that you are imagining his flirty methods round you, but it is price contemplating whether or not you are studying an excessive amount of into issues.
Sometimes when now we have a crush on somebody, we see issues we wish to see. We can find yourself overanalyzing their habits and interpret every little thing they are saying and do in a approach that fits us.
The confirmation bias primarily signifies that we go in search of what we wish to discover.
In the method, we will find yourself overcomplicating issues in our thoughts which can be extra easy.
It’s price contemplating whether or not his flirty habits in direction of you is distinctive or whether or not he acts this approach with different friends too.
Is it persistently flirty, or is it solely on the odd event, comparable to when he’s had a drink? Is he overly flirty in an apparent approach, or are there occasions when you aren’t notably positive whether or not he is flirting with you?
Of course, no matter whether or not he intends to be flirty, if that’s how you interpret his habits and it’s inflicting confusion for you then you nonetheless want to act. But having an trustworthy have a look at how he behaves and the way you interpret it is very helpful.
2) If you know you need greater than friendship, wait and see what occurs.
Here’s the factor, none of us are excellent. There’s the perfect recommendation we may give as an neutral third celebration trying in on any state of affairs, but it’s additionally not the recommendation that almost all of us comply with. Why? Because we’re human.
Our heads would possibly inform us one factor, but our hearts don’t need to pay attention.
In a perfect world, you would kick him to the curb, transfer on along with your head held excessive, and discover another person.
But the true reality is that we’re not at all times prepared to do this. And possibly that’s okay. Nobody is aware of your state of affairs apart from you two.
Whilst I’d by no means advocate greedy onto false hope, if you imagine there is one thing there between you two, then you would possibly resolve to be affected person for some time and see what occurs.
There’s at all times an exception to the rule. Even if for 99% of fellows in this state of affairs you are unlikely to get something out of him in the long run, there are at all times these uncommon instances the place it does work out.
These are these city legend-kind tales all of us hear of the place a man did have real emotions but was scared, or the place emotions grew and developed over time.
At the top of the day, it’s your coronary heart to threat and no person else’s. That means if in your coronary heart of hearts you have hope that this may progress from friendship and flirting into one thing extra, then you might resolve to bide your time and provides him an opportunity.
3) Let him know the way you really feel
At some stage, you’re most likely going to want to have a chat with him about all of it.
Don’t fear although, this doesn’t want to be an enormous deal. You can casually talk and nonetheless preserve issues gentle if you are nervous about elevating the topic with him.
For instance, you may say to him ‘Why are you such a flirt?’ or ‘Stop being so flirty, you really need to cut that out if we’re just friends’.
If you are unclear the place you stand with him, then ask. I do know it seems like a extremely susceptible factor to do, but it is the one approach you will actually know.
By immediately asking him whether or not you are friends or one thing extra, at the very least you may have your answer moderately than making an attempt to guess. No matter what, at the very least then you get to transfer ahead after studying the reality.
4) Decide what friendship appears to be like like to you
Last year I discovered myself briefly courting a man who “just wanted to be friends” and I discovered this idea completely complicated.
Once you have intercourse with somebody, in my e book they don’t seem to be your good friend. Even if they aren’t your boyfriend, they’re on the very least your lover. That’s as a result of, for me, friendship doesn’t contain bodily intimacy. That is a transparent line that I draw.
For him, “friendship” clearly meant one thing totally different. He was comfortable to flirt, be intimate, hang around and name that friendship. I used to be not.
Friends with advantages is an idea that we’re all conversant in and many people have been in.
But you want to be trustworthy about what works for you.
What are your guidelines of friendship? You would possibly need to write them out so you can see them in black and white.
If friendship to you doesn’t contain flirting, then you can not enable it.
5) Don’t make excuses for him
When we like somebody or have a crush, we will discover ourselves making excuses for them that justify their habits.
It’s not that we’re even essentially doing it for his or her profit, typically we do it for our personal. The reality could make us uncomfortable or unhappy, so we choose to dilute it with excuses.
As tempting as it would be, don’t go in search of explanations that put a extra optimistic slant on what he is doing.
Usually, the best clarification is the proper one.
In this circumstance, the best clarification for him flirting, regardless that he says he solely wants to be friends, is that he is not (for no matter motive) in being greater than that.
Pinning false hope onto extra far-fetched causes, like he is afraid of his emotions for you or too shy to make a transfer, dangers creating false hope that solely leads you on.
6) Know that what he’s doing is unfair
Whether his flirting is intentional or unconscious, it’s nonetheless unfair on you if it is deceptive you.
If his constant flirty habits is complicated you, upsetting you, or giving you false hope — then it’s not good for you.
Even if you assume he is not “wrong” in his habits in direction of you, that doesn’t imply you are “wrong” both for the best way you react to his flirting.
Regardless of his causes, if it’s not okay for you, then it’s not okay.
If he does need to have a friendship with you or be in your life, then he should additionally respect your emotions.
7) Create clear boundaries for your self
Boundaries are ours and ours alone to each create and uphold.
They are the invisible protecting bubble we create that surrounds us by deciding what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.
That means you want to work out what’s proper for you. This doesn’t want to even contain him, because it’s an train you do with your self to assist you get clear in your individual thoughts.
That approach sooner or later you may have outlined the place the road is and know when he crosses it.
It can even assist you to keep robust in upholding your boundaries round what friendship appears to be like like for you.
8) Put a cease to it
If we at all times waited for somebody to deal with us how we predict we deserve, sadly we might typically be ready a very long time.
I discussed earlier a state of affairs when I discovered myself with a crush on a man who “just wanted to be friends” but continued to flirt and wish to be intimate.
Despite how a lot I wanted issues would be totally different, finally I reached the purpose the place I had to be trustworthy that I wasn’t going to get what I needed from the state of affairs.
After speaking to him about it and explaining that I had a crush on him and couldn’t proceed the best way issues have been, I instructed him I needed space within the hope that we may in the future have an precise friendship — which for me meant minus the flirting and minus the bodily intimacy.
If you know you aren’t going to get what you need from the state of affairs, then I might encourage you to shut it down.
Let him know what you want, and be ready to stroll away if you’re not getting it.
To conclude: Can you be friends and flirt?
When it comes to friendships, just like with relationships, there aren’t any onerous guidelines. It’s about what works for the individuals concerned.
There are people who find themselves completely positive with flirty friendships, and are comfortable sufficient with friends with advantages.
The key is being trustworthy with your self about whether or not it genuinely works for you. Flirting between friends, when each events discover it enjoyable and don’t learn a lot into it may be completely innocent.
The drawback arises when you’re not on the identical web page. If one in all you has a crush that isn’t reciprocated or wants extra from the state of affairs, it’s doubtless to finish badly.
Flirting between friends can be deceptive and ship blended indicators.