Punishment has been part of elevating youngsters for hundreds of years. But latest analysis has proven, time and time once more, that it might really be ineffective. Not solely is it typically counterproductive, however it could actually additionally create long-lasting emotional scars. Chances are that you’ve got a few of your individual from how your dad and mom raised you!
But when you’re not going to use punishment, what types of self-discipline are acceptable? Here are 4 optimistic methods to train your youngsters how to behave with out punishment.
1. Model The Desired Behavior
Children tend to copy the habits that they see. You can use this to your benefit when instructing them by modeling the habits you’d like them to be taught and keep in mind. This is as a result of:
- Observation has a (*4*)position within the early schooling of kids; it helps youngsters to be taught after they can see what to imitate.
- Younger youngsters typically need to be like their dad and mom, and copying your actions will permit them to do this.
- Older youngsters might start to question why they aren’t allowed to do one thing that you just’re allowed to do; the entire “because I said so” phrase doesn’t actually work, and as they become older, most youngsters will question it!
- When your youngsters aren’t certain what to do, they might default to doing what they’ve seen you do earlier than.
- You don’t have to spend a whole lot of time particularly instructing your youngsters each single element when you permit them to be taught by instance.
Of course, that is simpler mentioned than achieved. Many dad and mom understand shortly that their youngsters are their mirrors, but it surely’s onerous to management your actions completely round youngsters even whenever you’re making an attempt your finest and utilizing all of your optimistic considering. That’s why you must also mannequin behaviors that present you within the fallacious and the way you appropriate your self.
- Apologize whenever you make errors, particularly to your youngster or to different members of your loved ones.
- Actively work to make up for wrongdoing or errors and let your youngster see the way you achieve this.
- Allow your self to proceed to be flawed and present your youngster that flaws are regular and a part of being human; they don’t have to attempt for perfection, solely to do their finest as you do!
- Show forgiveness to others to exhibit that your youngster will probably be equally forgiven after they apologize for his or her errors and make up for them.
2. Express Your Faith In Their Goodness
Children misbehave, however that’s not one thing that ought to outline them. They’re not a “troublemaker” or a “problem child”, and even simply “stubborn” or “a crybaby”. Sure, youngsters do all kinds of irrational issues, however that’s simply half and parcel of being a small youngster with a growing brain!
Basically, your child is greater than who they’re after they do dangerous issues or make a fuss, but when they have already got a protracted historical past of getting in bother, they start to outline themselves that approach. They might really feel annoyed as a result of they at all times appear to do dangerous issues and get admonished, or they might assume that’s simply who they’re.
How do you counteract this? Well, whenever you start a lesson, correction, or any type of self-discipline, categorical your religion in your youngster’s goodness first. This means explaining that you already know they didn’t imply to do one thing fallacious, or that you just assume this destructive habits is out of character given the optimistic traits they’ve.
- Instead of claiming “Stop being such a bully and pushing your sister around!”, say “You’re normally such a kind and caring person… I saw that you were pushing your sister around.”. Then, redirect them to: “Your sister looks very sad. Can you think of anything that might have upset her?”
- Instead of claiming “Why are you so lazy? You should have remembered to bring your toys back in! I’m taking away your toys until you learn your lesson.”, say “I know you didn’t mean to, but your toys were left outside and they got rained on.” Then, redirect them to: “Your toys need to be dried and then kept properly. While you’re doing that, try and think of some ways that can help you to remember next time.”
- Instead of claiming “You took your friend’s book home with you? You’re such a little thief!”, say “You probably didn’t know this was bad, but bringing home your friend’s things without their permission is not allowed.” Then, redirect them to “Let’s write an apology note to your friend and make sure to give the book back to them tomorrow. Can you tell them that you understand now that you need their permission before you take things?”
This approach of dealing with a toddler’s misbehavior ensures that they perceive the wrongness of their actions with out making them really feel like they’ve to defend themselves or be labeled as “wrongdoers”. You’re permitting them to see that you just imagine of their means to appropriate their errors, be taught from them, and do the fitting factor sooner or later. This optimistic considering will encourage them to do higher.
3. Allow For Natural Consequences
Punishment includes imposing consequences on children to “show them” the results of their actions. But the reality of life is that all actions already have consequences naturally. Allowing these consequences to occur can promote learning, as your kids have to learn from their mistakes if they want to avoid further problems. You don’t need to do anything yourself – just let natural consequences take their course.
Of course, make sure these natural consequences are safe and reasonable for your child and their age! Sending a child to bed without dinner because they didn’t come down in time isn’t acceptable, for example, but letting them have the leftovers that may not have been their first choice is. Or, if your child insisted on not wearing a jacket but it’s now very cold for them, take them aside and guide them to understand how their decision is now affecting them, and then give them something to warm them.
4. Praise Them For Doing Positive Things
Children love receiving attention, and while they’re still cultivating healthier intrinsic motivation, they can learn through praise as a means of getting that attention. Praise has consistently more positive effects on a child’s behavior, motivation to learn and correct themselves, and general development and improvement than criticism and punishment.
When you punish a kid or yell at them for doing bad things, you’re telling them, “If you do this bad thing, I will give you attention”. They will begin to perform negative actions and act out as a means of receiving even negative focus from you. As such, this kind of explosive shouting and punishment can reinforce behavior.
On the other hand, when you praise a child, you’re showing them that the things you care most about and will give them attention for are the good things that they do. If they want your attention, they have to do positive things, or at least approach you in positive ways.
So how can you put this knowledge into action? There are a few ways:
· Make An Effort To Notice Positive Things
It’s natural for human beings to notice bad things before good ones, and parents fall for this too. It’s hard to take note of the tiny good things your child does, but their misbehaviors stick out a lot! Try and keep your eye on positive things and make nice comments about them. For example, “You’re being very responsible by putting your jacket away”, “I saw that you helped your brother. Good job!”, or “You’ve done very well on your schoolwork, and I’m very proud of you!”
· Don’t Be Sarcastic About Praise
A lot of parents make the mistake of being sarcastic when their child finally displays the desired behavior. This is especially true for older children and teenagers. When you do this, you’re telling your child that whether they do what you want or not, they’ll get a bitter remark for it, making the situation hopeless. For example, don’t say “Oh, look who finally decided to leave their room and say hello to their aunt. You’d think I never taught you manners!”. Instead, say “I’m so glad you came out to say hello to your aunt! Thanks for joining us!”. Later, you can praise them in private: “I know it was difficult for you to come out and say hi to your aunt. I’m really proud of you for doing that and it was really good to have you around with us.”
· Ignore Mild Misbehavior
As previously stated, kids misbehave for attention. They don’t care if the attention is positive and negative, especially if they’re younger. So when a child does small acts of rebellion, like whining and complaining loudly, poking at furniture, or making a fuss about not getting what they want, just look the other way. Your child will learn that if they want attention, they need to ask nicely or be polite.
· Praise Over Punishment
There are times when praise isn’t possible, but you still need to correct your child. In this time, don’t give your kid explosive reactions, simply gently teach them how to do things right. For example, don’t say “Stop picking the cup up like that! You’ll spill all the juice and it’ll go to waste and make a mess!”, as your child may just continue picking the cup up to get attention.
Instead, show them an alternative way. “See, this is how you can hold a cup safely. Put your hands here and be careful when it’s full. That’s how you can pick up the cup.” Then, ask them to demonstrate it for you. When they do it well, praise them: “Good job! You’re picking it up correctly! I knew you could do it!”.
Then, for a while in the future, when they pick the cup up well, point out that you notice: “I see you’re picking up your cup safely. Good job! I’m proud of you for learning.”
While you shouldn’t overdo the praise, you also should be focusing on praise over critique. Do note, of course, that studies present that an excessive amount of reward could be dangerous for youngsters – and anybody of any age! Praise as applicable and don’t exaggerate.
Final Thoughts On Positive Ways To Teach Your Kids To Be Obedient Without Punishment
Science has proven that punishment is an ineffective approach to train obedience to youngsters. By adopting new strategies for self-discipline, you’ll be able to assist your youngsters develop in a extra optimistic approach whereas retaining their respect in the direction of you.