“Why can’t you do everything right?!”
If this is a line you often hear, it can destroy your self-esteem. Not only that, but it can also be quite frustrating. Not raising a white flag and just saying, “Used!” It takes a lot of maturity to say, right in their faces.
It becomes even more difficult if they are someone significant to you, such as your father, best friend, or business partner.
Lately, your relationship has been a bit rocky due to your partner’s bad attitude and annoying habit of blaming you for everything that goes wrong in his life. Sure, there were one or two things you were guilty of, and you owned it.
If someone is repeatedly pulling the guilt card, it’s likely that they’re going through a tough time themselves and may need a little extra support and attention right now. If you suffer from being blamed for everything, here are 21 practical ways to combat it.
Here are ways to deal with someone who blames you for everything
I. Keep your sanity
1. Keep a cool head
This must be done when dealing with someone with negative personality traits. As tempting and easy as it is to get your temper high, keeping yourself in check is essential.
The last thing you want is to give them more ammunition to shoot you. Lose yourself; they will find a way to use that to blame you. They may break a vase and tell you, “You yelled at me, look what you did to me!”
That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it in silence. If anything, you can better understand how to handle your situation by keeping your cool.
2. Learn to self-soothe
What helps you calm down or feel better when you’re stressed?
For example, you were chewing candy, listening to soft jazz, or rolling marbles between your fingers. Give it some thought, and always try to find some stress relief when you feel like you might explode.
Even minor distractions can help when you’re in a stressful situation because they give you a way to escape the situation mentally.
For example, you may want to bring a small bag of candy with you. Or make sure you always have a fidget spinner in your bag. Try to solve the root of the problem, or you will spoil your teeth! But until then, this will do.
3. Think happy thoughts
While thinking about the good things won’t solve anything, it can at least cushion you from your suffering. It can help if you list things you are grateful for and keep them in your wallet for when you are incompetent and are not blamed for everything.
Go ahead and list your accomplishments, most significant dreams, favorite memories, and the things you’re most proud of.
When you hear that you’re why their apartment is always dirty, remind yourself that while it’s true, you have an extraordinary life with many good things to be thankful for.
4. Remind yourself that they are a small part of your journey
Blaming all the time can make us feel useless and unimportant—like we are and will never be good enough. If you’re dealing with a tough mentor or boss, you may feel like you’re just one mistake from turning things around for good.
You may feel worthless if you’re dealing with a nagging, overly critical parent.
But this is not true.
These people who keep blaming you are just one of the many people you will meet on your journey through life.
They won’t matter in ten or twenty years, so don’t pay too much attention to them and instead focus on being the best version of yourself.
Also, remember that even if it doesn’t seem like it, you’re pretty good right now. Every day you live, you will only continue to get better.
5. Consider it an exercise
You want nothing more than to avoid people who keep blaming you. But sometimes you won’t be able to. Maybe you’re still dependent on them, or you don’t have the resources to start over.
For now, it might help to change your mindset—to see the whole experience with them as training in your patience, kindness, and self-love.
People say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This is not always true because sometimes it is up to you whether you let something build you up or bring you down.
To make it a little more fun, you might want to imagine yourself as a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen with Gordon Ramsay. Lots of lessons to learn from this too.
Could you not focus on how you can change them? Instead, focus on how you can use the experience to improve yourself.
6. Don’t take it personally
It’s hard not to take harsh comments and behavior towards you personally, especially if it’s happening to you all the time and even to someone important to you.
No matter who it is—a boyfriend, a colleague, or a bandmate—don’t think their offensive words define who you are.
They may be projecting their problems onto you. They’re using you as a scapegoat not because of what you’ve done but because of what’s going on in their mind.
Maybe they decided to blame you; for example, they thought you were too cheerful. And perhaps they hate your partying because they used to be drinking, only to be teased for it.
II. Do some self-reflection
7. Ask yourself, “Do they always blame me, or does it just feel that way?”
Look, you definitely shouldn’t be gaslighting yourself. However, a little self-reflection might do you good. While it’s true that they blame you for everything, there’s a chance that they don’t do it as often as they feel.
To answer this question, you need to focus on the frequency of your interactions and whether most of them are negative.
The best way to do this is to keep a diary. Record your negative and positive interactions throughout the day for at least two weeks. You must get out of a toxic relationship if you are being blamed for everything every day.
However, if you only list three harmful interactions out of twenty, then either those three bad interactions were particularly severe… or it could be because you are insecure and what they said caused your insecurity.
Of course, please don’t take all the blame, but it’s something you both need to work on.
8. Ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?”
It’s time to look good at yourself from the moment you are born.
Do you consider yourself a sensitive person? In general, are you easily offended? Do you think people are too careless with their words?
Of course, there’s no shame in being vulnerable. Being a compassionate person has its gifts.
Asking these questions shouldn’t negate the fact that you’re dealing with someone toxic. This will give you a better idea of how to deal with the feeling of always being blamed.
9. Ask yourself, “Did I do something wrong?”
Maybe you’re not the sensitive type and are actually with someone manipulative and verbally abusive. That’s why it’s essential to ask yourself if you’ve done something wrong because if you let them verbally abuse you, it can lower your self-esteem.
Think of the last three or four times you were blamed for something. Repeat them in your head and put them under the microscope.
Let’s say you were late for an event and blamed for not waking up early. Ask yourself if you have committed a crime and if it is a big one. Let’s say it’s a wedding. Of course, you’ve done something wrong.
But let’s say you’re accused of being lazy and therefore not making enough, when you’re not – working 50 hours a week and still looking for another job – then hey, you’re not doing anything wrong, and they’re mean and funny.
If you think you did nothing wrong, don’t let their words get to you.
10. Ask yourself, “Do they have a problem?”
After analyzing yourself, you must explore the person who constantly blames you.
Do they have anger management issues? Do they have high expectations? Are their parents strict? You probably know them well enough to understand what they’re thinking.
Then ask yourself, are they going through something? Did they tell you about the problem they were concerned about? Maybe they’re just stressed out, so they blame everything on you.
Some people are not good at dealing with stressful situations, and if you believe this is the case, try to be patient and help them healthily deal with stress.
III. Try to research
11. Pay attention to patterns
There is always a pattern or common theme behind abuse or harmful behavior, and figuring out exactly what that is will help you deal with the problem. Think about when they will blame it on you.
For example, a colleague may blame you when a deadline is approaching, or they may do it in front of their superiors to make themselves look better.
Another example would be the love of your life who blames you for everything that goes wrong every time they don’t fall asleep.
When you understand the triggers and likely scenarios in which they will start blaming you, you can see it coming ahead of time and prepare for it mentally and emotionally. It can also give you clues about what you want them to change.
12. Pay attention to how they treat others
If they also blame others for everything, maybe it’s time to accept them for who they are. That doesn’t mean you have to let them blame you all the time, but you have to manage your expectations.
They are, especially if they are already old. Of course, they may change, but it will likely take some time.
However, if they are kind and patient with others but blame you for everything, it could be a sign that they don’t respect you or hold a deep grudge against you.
13. Identify the things they usually blame you for
It may feel like they blame you for everything, but they probably aren’t. Not even the angriest person in the world can have that kind of energy.
But let’s say they blame you a lot. It’s time to list and categorize them.
For example, if they blame you for waking up late, going to bed late, not being on time, and not paying bills, you can see a familiar pattern. It’s all about proper time management.
Another example is blaming your company’s poor performance because you didn’t do your part and lack clients. After all, your presentation “sucked” because you drank until three in the morning. Both of these are related to irresponsibility.
You will know which one you can work on by identifying the root. They may be harmful, but that doesn’t mean they are entirely wrong. It’s always good to know what areas you need to work on.
IV. Deal with it once and for all
14. If you are sure you have done nothing wrong, defend yourself.
If they blame you for everything just because they can stop it.
Some people enjoy insulting and blaming others to make themselves feel superior. Show them you won’t take it anymore.
But if they are superior to you or you have a delicate relationship – say they are your boss or your spouse – then you should use mild language. And you have to defend yourself straightforwardly, without frills and drama.
“You’re the reason we’re late again!” If they say because you wake up late. Tell them: “Yes, I woke up late again, but I was waiting for you five minutes before the appointed time.”
Of course, they will deny it, but make sure you don’t get emotional when defending your case. Make it very clear to them that you will not accept the blame.
15. Apologize if you did something wrong.
People who blame others are often controlling people, and the controlling person often wants a proper apology so you can move on.
It isn’t enjoyable, but it can dramatically affect how you treat each other. And who knows, maybe they’ve been hurt all along, so they blame you for everything.
Even if it’s something as simple as not turning off the faucet, all you have to do is apologize to relieve emotional tension.
16. Try to improve
You might say, “But I’m not doing anything wrong,” and you’re dealing with someone abusive in that case. Get out now before they kill you.
But generally, when we say that and wealing with someone still intelligent, it’s not COMPLETELY true. There may be some things you need to improve.
Make some changes and make sure you track your milestones. You’ll need it the next time guilt attacks you.
For example, if you’re always 30 minutes late, but you’ve made a change and are now only five minutes late every day, you’re not perfect, but you’re improving. Tell them that next time they will blame you again.
17. Tell how their behavior affects you
If you’ve felt this way for a long time, it’s time to sit down and have a conversation and tell them you’re no longer okay with it.
It’s hard, and your voice might shake, but it’s something you have to do for yourself and your relationship. Sometimes some people are unaware of how they affect others, which may be all it takes to minimize what they do.
Try to ensure you’re both relaxed (and even in a happy mood) while doing this. It might just be what you need.
18. Teach them how to treat you right
We know that changing habits takes time. They won’t be beautiful overnight, even if they try, so be prepared to act as a “guide” by helping them learn how to treat you properly.
Of course, you may have your faults, so they may continue to blame you. But nobody is perfect, and the main thing is that you try your best to be better.
You both have a right to human dignity – not to be treated like garbage. So think about how you want to be treated and tell them.
For example, if they have some complaints about you, at least don’t tell them in front of your children or others.
Or tell them that when they think you’re doing something wrong again, you’d say to them directly instead of rolling their eyes and giving them the cold shoulder.
V. Protect yourself before it’s too late
19. Set boundaries
If they’re someone you can’t get away from, then the next best thing to do is set clear boundaries.
If you have a toxic boss who decides to call you in the middle of the night, make sure they respect your personal hours by not taking calls when you’re not at work.
If they’re your parents, you don’t have to stay at the dinner table until they lecture you about what you’re bad at. An apology can be made after a respectful nod.
If they are your boyfriend or girlfriend, tell them not to call you at work to complain about you doing the dishes.
You should set apparent boundaries, and they should allow you to remove yourself from toxic situations without confronting you.
20. Find a sound support system
Taking the blame for things that weren’t your fault feels terrible enough, and it’s even worse when it happens all the time.
Go ahead and find people who can help you get through this – find someone you can trust to protect your secrets and offer to understand. It could be your best friend, loving grandmother, or therapist.
This is especially helpful if you can’t escape the person blaming you. Tell them how you feel, ask them for advice, and let them soothe you with their words and attentive ears.
It’s hard to do it alone. If you’ve done all the above and your husband or wife hasn’t changed, you shouldn’t feel guilty about telling your best friend about your problems. You are not spreading gossip here but crying out for help.
21. If all else fails, cut ties
Let’s say you’re a very patient person and very good at accepting their complaints about you… and yet they treat you the same or worse. Well, it’s time to pack your bags and go.
No relationship, job, or career is worth it if your mental health and self-esteem suffer every day until it becomes an empty shell.
This is a fate worse than death. Trust me; there is a better way to live.
Think of it this way. If you’re reading a book in the park and a random kid throws a pebble at you every five seconds. You tell them to stop throwing rocks at you, but they don’t listen.
Do you stay there and accept the pebbles thrown at you, or go somewhere else to read comfortably?
Most importantly, cutting ties will give you the peace of mind you need to heal and move on.
Why do some people always blame others?
Now that we’ve gone over some tips on dealing with someone who constantly blames you, let’s take a step back and try to understand why some people do it in the first place.
There can be several reasons:
- They are insecure and need to put others down to make themselves feel better
- They try to avoid responsibility
- They are passive-aggressive and use guilt to manipulate others
- They are just plain unpleasant people who enjoy making others feel bad
Whatever the reason, it is essential to remember that blaming is not the right thing to do, even if you have done something wrong.
It’s not productive, and it doesn’t solve anything.
It would help if you were open to coming up with a problem and, ideally, a solution and discussing the best way to solve it. If you’re being blamed for something you didn’t do, that’s another matter entirely.
When someone blames you for something they know is not your fault, it signifies a toxic person. It would help if you protect yourself from these types of people and the best way to do that is to remove yourself from the situation and use the above tips.
Being with someone who blames you for everything will lower your self-esteem, and the longer you stay with them, the more it will damage your psyche. They make you question your worth and abilities, dwell on your flaws, and fail to acknowledge what you’re good at.
If you’ve tried your best and they’re still mistreating you, it could be a sign that you’re taking action to protect yourself from them.