Do you feel constantly manipulated by your partner? No matter how hard you try, you will never reach them. The issues you are always wandering about.
Here are ten vital signs someone deflects in a relationship and what to do about it.
What is relationship deflection?
Deflection occurs when someone tries to avoid responsibility for their actions and feelings by shifting the blame onto someone else. In this case, they try to shift the blame away from themselves. They are often used to avoid confrontation or conflict.
How does switching work?
When people use distortion, they may seem open and honest at first, but then they start making excuses or blaming others for what happened. They will say: “I didn’t want to hurt you.” Or “It wasn’t my fault.”
Why does bending occur?
Sometimes people who feel vulnerable use distortion because they don’t want to deal with the truth. They may not want to admit that they are wrong or responsible for causing problems.
Bending is a defense mechanism that people adopt to maintain their self-image.
How do you know someone is deflecting?
1. They project their feelings and thoughts onto you
Projection is one of the common forms of bending.
Because they cannot deal with their feelings, they suppress them. But buried emotions have a habit of spilling out. When you do this, your partner can project what they’re feeling onto you.
A classic example is a partner who feels guilty about their infidelity and projects it onto their partner to deflect suspicion.
The other half is accused of infidelity. They always think that their partner is of no use. They are insecure. You may find that anything your partner feels terrible about or dislikes about themselves is transferred onto you.
For example, if your partner is insecure about their appearance, or instead of dealing with body issues, they criticize your weight or try to make themselves feel better.
In extreme cases, when your partner leans into you, you feel it turns into gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone makes you feel crazy or paranoid. They tell you that you are imagining things or doing too much of them.
But there is nothing imaginary about what your partner is doing. You see precisely what is happening. However, their way of dealing with things is to challenge your perceptions.
If they can make you think twice about the reality of things, it takes the spotlight (and the heat) away from them.
Classic examples of gas lighting in a connection:
- They are lying to you but refuse to admit it.
- Avoiding your feelings and suggesting that you blow things out of proportion.
- Rewriting the facts and implying that it is not what it is.
- Don’t try to discredit yourself, and trust your perception of things.
3. Playing the victim
Another common type of bending is playing the victim. This is when someone uses manipulative tactics to mislead the other party. No matter what happens in your relationship, you may always feel it’s your fault. Any problems the two of you have are never about them.
Even if you’re the one trying to take issue with something your partner is doing, they’ll still twist it to get back at you. They cannot accept blame, so your partner will deny any wrongdoing.
For example, they will say: “You are very sensitive!” Or “That was completely unfair.”
Or they will complain about something that happened to them and then turn around and blame you for it.
A person who avoids guilt will play the helpless victim in your relationship so that you become the target of their anger. You can take responsibility for whatever upsets them. So instead of dealing with their problems, they blame you. And they use you as a scapegoat.
4. They blame the situation
If it’s not your fault, someone or something else may be at fault for their actions. If they have done something wrong, they look for other excuses rather than admit that it is their fault.
People who avoid relationships have a hard time taking responsibility for themselves. They can’t do the required self-reflection.
So they have a list of excuses to back off.
They cheated because they were drunk. They are not paying attention to you because they are busy with work. They stayed out all night because their friends needed cheering up.
Anything can happen. But instead of taking a closer look at home, they prefer to blame the situation for the situation they are in.
5. They don’t understand where you’re coming from
Partners don’t often shy away from empathy to see where you’re coming from. You may feel they know tiny about what it’s like to be in your shoes.
When you share your feelings, they may not even seem to care. They want to hear themselves talk. They can quickly get angry with you.
They don’t listen to what they say. On the contrary, they talk over, interrupt, and argue with you.
When you open a topic that bothers them, they may try to change it. They can also say that you are unreasonable by bringing up some issues. Or claim to be overly sensitive.
You’ve tried talking to them about these things, but nothing helps. So give up. Because you know they will never understand your feelings. It’s like you’re talking to a brick wall.
6. They have difficulty apologizing
We all make mistakes, and apologizing is one way we own them and try to make amends. If your partner never apologizes, it’s a sign they can’t see that they messed up.
You might think they should apologize for doing something wrong. But they won’t.
They will only do this when they realize they are wrong. But the problem is that they must admit their mistakes first. Then they should express their regret. But they never seem to get there.
Maybe if they are apologized to, they will sometimes begrudgingly apologize, but you know it’s not sincere. Deep down, they can never admit that they are guilty.
7. You are always going around in circles
If you find yourself getting into arguments over the same things over time, you could be dealing with a relationship abuser.
Avoiding conflict is expected because we feel most threatened and need a defense mechanism. Maybe you feel like you’re constantly raising the same issues, but they never take your feedback into account, so you keep going in circles, never solving your problems.
We don’t get to the root of the problem when we twist things. We miss the opportunity to grow and correct behavior.
But this means your partner will likely continue to repeat their actions rather than change. And that means you’re likely to keep fighting the same battles repeatedly.
8. It’s always an eye for an eye
If you point out that they are wrong, they retaliate and find something you did wrong to throw in your face. They don’t even need anything new or relevant to use as ammunition.
If you point out that they’re wrong, they may respond quickly:
“Well, you’re no angel either, remember when…” Or “You’re a good talker, remember that…”
This shows that they are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they’re quick to point out everything you’ve ever done wrong.
9. They are in denial
One of the most infuriating things about being in a relationship with a loser partner is often having to force them to see it. It is part of their defense mechanism to deny their actions, so they do not hold themselves accountable.
They will likely struggle to acknowledge or admit that they have any problems. So you will try to convince yourself that there is even a problem. You probably feel that no matter how you approach the subject, they won’t listen.
10. They tell you what you want to hear
Another form of subtle bending is to calm your partner down simply by getting them to throw something up. You may contact the impression that even though they are saying nice things, they are just saying what they think you want to hear.
This is a way to manipulate you and avoid conflict. For example, if they’ve misbehaved and you try to call them out, they might:
“You know I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose.”
Rather than being a sign of guilt or remorse, it’s a way to get them off the hook.
How to argue with a liar
1. Use “I feel” sentences
Diffusion is most likely seen as a defense mechanism when someone is under attack.
This means that the less threatened the other person feels in the discussion, the less likely it is to rear its ugly head.
When you bring up a problem with your partner, be sure to use “I feel” statements rather than “You make X, Y., Z” type comments (which tend to be more accusatory) to try to avoid being attacked.
Research on conflict management has shown that it is helpful to create a safe feeling environment when we are arguing with someone.
Research suggests that using “I” statements can help you do this. Open-ended questions can be another way to help lead you to a solution rather than getting stuck in a dead-end argument.
When you ask open-ended questions, you allow your partner to explain himself without first getting defensive.
This gives them room to respond to whatever you say instead of shutting you down. It also helps you understand their origin, so you can work together to find solutions.
Paying attention to your language can encourage your partner to participate in the discussion but can also shut them down by cursing.
2. Be calm
It can be incredibly frustrating when you feel like your partner isn’t listening to you or taking responsibility. But remember that the more you lose your cool, the higher their walls will go up.
Try to stay calm and rational, and make sure you stick to the facts and evidence. Remember that you need to be able to prove your point before you expect your partner to accept it.
Especially when they can’t see clearly, it’s even more important to keep your head up and make sure things don’t escalate.
3. Try to observe patterns in their behavior
If you notice your partner starting to lean, look for patterns in their behavior.
Do they do it consistently? Does this happen when you talk about specific topics? What causes the behavior?
This may give you a clue as to why they are acting defensively. While this won’t automatically solve everything, it can help you understand your partner better, so you know how to respond constructively.
4. Focus on the facts
Focus on facts, not emotions. Protecting emotions from conflict is difficult, especially when our nearest and dearest are involved.
If your partner has a habit of making mistakes, then you need to clarify your point, provide specific examples and be very specific about what you are talking about.
This way, it’s harder for them to worm their way out of things. IYou will avoid useless generalizations if you pay more attention to the facts, Try to stick to your goal, not just go with a smile.
5. Give them time to think
It can be difficult for them to see what they are doing in the heat of the moment when defenses are high. Sometimes it’s best to offer your partner some space and time to think about what you’ve said.
Allow them to cool down before continuing the conversation. If you don’t give your partner time to work, you often find yourself repeating the same points over and over again.
Give them time to think about what you’ve sai, and le,t them get back to you after they’ve had time to think.
Hopefully, after doing this, they will be able to see your side better.
6. Heal your wounds
It’s easy to feel frustrated and even helpless when faced with a partner who has changed their ways. You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.
I want to suggest doing something different.
This is something I learned from world-renowned shaman Ruda Iandê. She taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
As Ruda explains in this free video, many of us pursue love toxically because we haven’t been taught to love ourselves first.
So, if you want to fix your relationship problems, I’d recommend starting with yourself first and taking Ruda’s excellent advice.
7. Make sure you are responsible too
When we ask a partner to do something, we should always check to mensurewe are doing the same. We are all capable of avoiding a relationship from time to time. It is only fair that you subject yourself to the same scrutiny.
Be sure to hold hands for your mistakes, apologize when your partner needs an apology, and be prepared to think for yourself in any conflict.
As they say, it often takes two to tango. No one is 100% wrong, and no one is 100% right. Having the maturity and wisdom to understand yourself is a gift nto your partner andyourself.
8. Don’t let them get away with it
A deflection in a relationship can be frustrating and destructive. Don’t let them get away with it. If you catch them doing this, you should be able to record it.
If your attempts to be a team and solve your problems together are always met with hostility, defensiveness, and deflection – you may question whether you can continue.
Learning to communicate effectively is critical to the survival of any relationship. If they consistently refuse to take responsibility in your relationship, you may decide you have no choice but to walk away.